Your friends (or frenemies?) make a big deal of how long you wait to sleep with a guy. First night, it’s just a hookup. Third date, you’re probably going to date for a while. Three months in, together forever. But does it actually make a difference? Cosmopolitan.com spoke with five married couples about when they first had sex, and how they feel about it.
1. ROB AND KATE, MARRIED TWO YEARS, HAD SEX AFTER THREE MONTHS
Kate: We definitely took things slow in general. I don’t even know what I’d really consider our first “date.” We just sort of started hanging out a lot. I had just gotten out of a pretty bad relationship and while I liked Rob, I don’t know if I was immediately ready to jump into another one.
Rob: If I’m being honest, those were a painful few months. I definitely wasn’t used to taking things that slow, but I’m glad I did in the end, obviously. The wait made the sex better, I think.
Kate: The first time was pretty good, I think. I don’t really remember it that well. I don’t mean that in a bad way, it was just, you know, good sex. I think the sex has gotten way better since though.
Rob: Yeah, we definitely have a healthy sex life and I think we’re really compatible. Is that weird to say? But I don’t think the first time was anywhere near as good as the sex we have now.
2. ROBYN AND DAVE, MARRIED FOR 14 YEARS, HAD SEX ON THEIR HONEYMOON
Robyn: The first time we had sex was our honeymoon. Not all that unusual I suppose, but I was 45 and he was 37. I was a two-time widow and Dave had never been married.
Although he wasn’t a virgin, he had taken an oath of celibacy after the last ugly breakup. When we started dating, he said he wasn’t even going to kiss another woman until she was his wife. Of course I wondered: What? Why? Does everything work well? Shouldn’t we check for proper fit? Technique competency? Etc.
Dave: I never had any luck making a relationship work well when it was based on sex. They’d start out great, then disintegrate into arguments. By waiting for marriage, I was hoping for a better long-term outcome. She was worth the wait. My wife is a beautiful woman — with or without clothes. The marriage is all I’d hoped for and more.
Robyn: I can tell you it was the best decision I ever made to trust him and wait for him. When you start kissing, you stop talking. You even start to gauge how good your relationship is by the frequency or quality of the sex. Not a great barometer. Sex is great, but it won’t keep you together in the storms of life. It takes trust and time to build true intimacy. It was worth the wait. The sex was great, and the marriage has been my best yet.
3. CHRIS AND AMBER, MARRIED FOUR YEARS, HAD SEX THE DAY THEY MET
Chris: [Laughs.] I don’t even know if you could call it a first date, but we had sex the first time we met. Which was crazy to me because I was like, “Why does this girl want to come home with me? Why is this working? This stuff never happens to me.” I think the sex was really good. I always think our sex is really good though.
Amber: We met at a mutual friend’s birthday party out at a bar, actually, and yeah, we wound up going home together that night. I know everyone says to make a guy wait a couple dates or whatever, but — this is so lame — there was a real attraction there. I didn’t want to wait, and I’m glad I didn’t. It was worth it.
Chris: Yeah, I think the whole waiting thing is bullshit. No offense to people who wait until marriage. I just mean the mind games people play where they have to wait three dates or one month or some arbitrary number. Just have sex when you want to have sex.
Amber: I don’t think we’re having sex as much as we did the first year we were dating but it’s still good, and I think for two really busy people, we are definitely still having an above-average amount of sex.
4. TREVA AND ROBBY, MARRIED FOR ONE YEAR, HAD SEX ON THEIR EIGHTH DATE
Treva: I’m a big fan of waiting to have sex. In fact, the longer the wait, the better — the better you get to know someone, and the better they get to know you. In my years of being single, I can tell you the best relationships I ever had were the ones where I took my time and didn’t rush. In the case of me and Robby, we waited exactly eight dates, which took about two months. We finally did it after volunteering at Special Olympics one day. I never thought coaching Special Olympics athletes could be such a turn-on, but watching Robby be so patient, loving, and kind sealed the deal.
Robby: I knew from the moment I met Treva that this was special and different, and the last thing I wanted to do was rush into anything because I wanted it to mean everything. It happened naturally, over many weeks, and it was mutual.
5. BRANDON AND MICHELLE, MARRIED FOR SEVEN YEARS, HAD SEX ON THEIR SECOND DATE
Michelle: We met in 2003 due to both of us being military but started dating later in 2007. We have two children each so you can imaging a date between us not being too romantic. Our first date was with four children at a military function so nothing happened that night. He ended up coming over a few nights later without his children and mine were not home.
Brandon: I wasn’t in the door too long before Michelle was undressed and ready to take care of something that was long overdue.
Michelle: Brandon stripped in a matter of two seconds and unfortunately that is about how long our first sexual experience lasted.
Brandon: You could say I was overly excited.
Michelle: The future of our sex life did not follow that standard. Thank goodness!